“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
“A book is a gift you can open again and again.”
“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.”
“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. ”
“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
“You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.”
“Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.”
“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.”
“One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.”
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
“A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.”
“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”
“One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life....”
“It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.”
“That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”
“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ”
“Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.”
“Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.”
“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”
“Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”
“The most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.”
“I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”
“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.”
"God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. 'Sorry, but I'm the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - I've got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that's the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eelpout. But I've told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it's too late. Time's up, buster. Lights out! Game's over!”
“A person cannot coast along in old destructive habits year after year and accept whatever comes along. A person must stand up on her own two legs and walk. Get off the bus and go get on another. Climb out of the ditch and cross the road. Find the road that s where you want to go. ... The only sermon that counts is the one that is formed by our actions. She would quit drinking and thereby show Kyle life is what you make it. A person can grab hold of her life and change things for the better. This happens all the time. We are not chips of wood drifting down the stream of time. We have oars.”
"Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head."
“Travel is the art form available to Everyman. You sit in the coffee shop in a strange city and nobody knows who you are, or cares, and so you shed your checkered past and your motley credentials and you face the day unarmed ... And onward we go and some day in the distant future, we will stop and turn around in astonishment to see all the places we've been and the heroes we were.”
“I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved.”
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”
“Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.”
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.”
“A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.”
“Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.”
“I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”
“Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free. The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. The blade didn’t come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go. The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, “Hey, wait. I think I see your problem.”
“I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.”
“Did you know that half of all people are below average?”
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